Imagine you've just come home after a busy day at work and you just want to relax but you can't. Without looking at you or even a "hello," your partner immediately starts telling you what has to be done that evening and when you don't answer because you're a bit overwhelmed by all of it, your partner starts complaining that you never do anything around the house to help and wants to talk about what's wrong with your relationship.
You try to listen and respond but the "right" words just don't come and it ends up in a horrific fight and you don't know how it happened.
Not a lot of fun, is it?
Pretty much an automatic shut-down, is it not?
It is true this scenario is not true for every couple but it is true for more than you can imagine because opposites do attract and this very moment in time (or something very close to it) really is familiar for many men and women.
No generalisations but research shows that many women want their man to open up and are frustrated because they would not talk.
Many men are equally as frustrated because they feel pushed into talking and sharing and have learned to automatically withdraw and shut down when their spouses even looks like they do not want to talk.
Some few others also do not want to talk about hurts caused by either them or most of the times, their spouses, but would take every pint of the blame by keeping silent over things. In this category, the men want them to talk and where they just swallow their pains, the men are also hurt deeply.
Of course both women and men do this unconsciously and most are just automatically doing what they were shown and learned to do to get their needs met early in their lives. But it really does not have to be that way.
As a matter of fact, it is just the opposite.
You do not have to go on automatic pilot and "push" to get heard and understood and you do not have to go into automatic shut-down every time your partner starts to talk to you angrily.
You can learn to provide a safe space for your partner to open up and talk to you and here are two steps that can help.
Step 1:
It may seem counter-intuitive but the way to create more safety for your partner to be honest with you is to look at how you listen to him or her. Step back and look at your daily interactions.
¤ Do you constantly make your partner wrong, even over little things - in the guise of helping?
¤ Do you jump to finish his or her sentences and hence live by assumptions?
¤ Do you "take care of him/her" by doing emotions for him/her because you think s/he is too uncomfortable to do so? (e.g. telling him/her what he's feeling when s/he may not feel that way at all!)
If you do these things, do not beat yourself up, but know there's a better way to have the love and connection you want and you can learn it!
You just have to find it where you do not have it and also apply it where you have one.
So, step one is to take an assessment and then stop doing what you may be doing without realizing it to have been pushing your partner away.
Step 2:
If you do step 1 and your partner does start to reveal himself or herself to you, even in small bits and pieces, just listen.
Stop yourself from jumping in to comment, to make him or her wrong (even if you think you know how wrong they are) or whatever else comes naturally for you to do that pushes your partner away.
The trick here is to learn how your partner's automatic shut-down happens as well as your automatic responses so you can take another course of action.
If s/he gets pissed while talking, learn to calm them down. If otherwise, try out their mumu-button.
You do not have to be frustrated because your partner clams up and won't talk to you. You can learn how to help him or her to open to you so love flows freely between the two of you!
And where there is no connection, try establishing one. When you try and your partner goes on with the attitude, open up. Do not get frustrated and think they would want the problem to continue.
You will be wrong doing so, because no single partner would want to continue hurting you.
Share you thoughts. What do you think is missing? Or what do you think should be done?
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